THIS Is How It All Ends?

Hannah Ann saying "Leave. Bye!" Photo: ABC

Hello again. It feels like just moments ago we were all together, watching Madison dump Peter in Australia because their lifestyles were simply too different (he boned other girls and, according to his brother, spends all of his free time line dancing; she is saving herself for marriage, and there's been no indication she can line dance at all.) Peter was heartbroken, but what did this all mean for Hannah Ann, who was still all in on Peter, and waiting to see if he would propose? When we last left them, the pair had gone to a kangaroo sanctuary together, but even the sweet little joeys couldn't heal Peter's wounded heart. He told Hananh Ann he still felt torn between her and Madison, even though Madison had likely left the continent at that point, something Peter conveniently failed to mention. Hannah Ann was hurt. She's so in love with Peter, and he's still telling her he's torn? Which brings us back to last night's episode.

Surely Peter — so devastated by Madison's rejection of his sex-having, line dancing lifestyle — wouldn't just turn around and propose to Hannah Ann like nothing had happened? That would be cruel to Hannah Ann. Or, if he did, at least he would sit down and have a conversation with her first, right? To let her know what was going on?

Come on. Have you not been watching this season? Of course he proposed to her like nothing happened! He called her dad, Ranger Rick, to ask for her hand in marriage and everything. At first, they make it seem like Hannah Ann might also abandon Peter in Australia — Chris Harrison comes and tells Peter she's not coming, and Peter has a meltdown, but then Hannah Ann does show up. Poor Hannah Ann. As she teeters in sky-high heels down the quarter mile dirt path to the proposal station producers installed deep in the outback, Peter beams. He proposes to her with a Neil Lane diamond the size of a football, and, in the midst of his proposal, casually slips in the fact that Madison actually left two days ago. What's a more romantic way to ask someone to spend the rest of their life with you than by telling them, "So … you're the only one left." Amour!

You're the only one left :). Photo: ABC

We know it doesn't end well, though, because back at the live studio taping in L.A., host Chris Harrison keeps telling us that no one knows how this story ends, not even Peter. Peter's parents are also there, and his mom Barb, who begged and pleaded with Peter in Australia to propose to Hannah Ann, looks pissed.

As it turns out, Peter broke off the engagement before the finale. A month after they got back from Australia, Hannah Ann came to visit Peter in L.A. at an ugly mansion that looks like it probably gets rented out to film poorly lit porn. They both look haggard, or as haggard as wildly telegenic people are allowed to look on television. Clearly, in their month back in the U.S., shit has gone down. We're not made privy exactly to what that shit is, but in short, Peter still can't get over Madison. He keeps praising Hannah Ann for "being his rock" which I guess, for him, means putting up with his crap and not demanding anything in return. It's all very depressing until — wait, hold on a second — a spark of life within Hannah Ann!

It turns out that the former Sonic Drive-In model has some fire in her after all. She's tired of putting up with Peter's shit, and she's gonna let him know. "You took away my first engagement," she fumes. "You took that away from me." She storms into another room in the dreadful mansion, and when Peter follows her, she chews him out some more.

"This is not what I imagined," Peter says tearfully.

"Imagine me!" snaps Hannah Ann, waving the enormous ring in his face. "I said yes, and I get this?"

"I don't need anything more from you," she tells him eventually. "You've done enough damage." She gives him back the ring, and when he follows her, pitifully, to the waiting SUV, she puts her hand in his face and says, "Leave! Bye."

As I watched Peter, 28, get schooled on how to treat people with basic respect by a 23-year-old, I was reminded of the fact that he is a licensed commercial airline pilot who regularly has dozens of people's lives in his hands. Just something fun to think about the next time you board a plane.

Back at the studio in L.A., Hannah Ann and Peter see each other for the first time. Hannah Ann comes out looking amazing, and lays into Peter for being the emotional equivalent of Jello pudding. She says he strung her along, was not honest about the extent of his feelings for Madison, and as she speaks, Peter's mom, Barb, cheers. Damn, even Peter's mom is taking Hannah Ann's side.

Peter offers a limp apology, and Hannah Ann moves on, hopefully to bigger and better things. Then, Chris Harrison reveals that, after Hannah Ann and Peter broke up, he went down to Auburn to see Madison, to see if she was still in love with Peter. (If any of my friends did that, I would hate it but also secretly love it. Oh nooo, don't collect a comprehensive list of people who are still viable romantic options for me, ha ha, so embarrassing!) Anyway, of course Madison is still in love with him. As she talks about how hard it's been for her since she left Australia, there's a camera on Barb's face that shows her glaring and dramatically rolling her eyes. Chris flies Madison to L.A., and she and Peter hold each other, and say they still have feelings for each other.

Barb hates this. Photo: ABC

So what does this all mean? Well, Madison shows up at the studio, and she and Peter say they're still in love, and they're going to take their relationship "one day at a time," and see where it goes. Things do get a little heated when Chris Harrison asks Barb how she feels, and Barb talks about how she dislikes Madison because she made Peter's family wait for three hours before meeting them in Australia, and also she wasn't head-over-heels in love with her son enough. She also says that all of Peter's friends know this relationship isn't going to work — ouch. Madison handles the situation as gracefully as she can, saying that this process isn't just about Peter choosing her, it's about her choosing Peter. Peter says his love for Madison should be enough for his family.

The happy couple, I guess? Photo: ABC

Everyone, in the end, seems stressed and dissatisfied, including me. It's really anti-climatic. Instead of ending on a high note, the season ends on the sound of a wet balloon deflating. Now, 25 lost hours later, all we are left with are our memories, and a renewed fear of planes. Hopefully things will work out for Peter and Madison, but even if they don't, at least we got that great shot of Kelsey getting facialed by a bottle of Champagne.

Thank you for joining me on this Bachelor journey this season. I love you.

THIS Is How It All Ends?